 A “No-Fault Divorce” is a divorce a court may grant, without you having to prove your spouse is at fault. According to Kyle Persaud, Esq, "Earlier in American history, to get divorced, you generally had to prove to a judge that your spouse had committed some type of misdeed that harmed the marriage. This was called “fault divorce.” " States Loosened Their Divorce Laws Beginning in the 1930's As we moved into the 20th Century, specifically from the 1930s through the 1980s, states began to loosen their divorce laws and today, all U.S. states allow no-fault divorce. There are still some states that allow fault-divorce, based on certain grounds, but overall, what we are dealing with throughout the country is the ability to file for no-fault divorce. What is No-Fault Divorce? No-fault divorce means you "do not have to prove that the marriage is coming to an end because of something that is the other spouse's fault. All that has to be proved and stated in your divorce papers is that the marriage has been “irretrievably broken" for at least six months." Is New York Fault or No-Fault? When it comes to The Empire State, technically speaking, New York is not a true no-fault state. There are still grounds for divorce, although many people are now filing for divorce under the easier no-fault law. No-Fault Divorce Saves Time and Money One of the reasons for people opting to file under the no-fault law is that New York divorce used to be one of the most expensive court proceedings in the state. Fault-based divorces, where one of the spouses was “at fault"—such as by committing adultery or by abandoning the other spouse—could take a very long time to prove and thereby incurring huge legal costs. In 2010, New York became the last state to allow no-fault divorce and as a result, this has lessened extended trials just to prove the grounds for divorce. This has allowed for an easier and less costly process. Requirements for Granting a Divorce It can be said, generally speaking, that a no-fault divorce focuses on the finances and the best interests of the children, because a divorce will not be granted unless all the issues of child support, spousal support, distribution of property, custody, and visitation have been decided by the court or have been agreed upon by the parties. There is no question that divorce is an expensive proposition, causing a great deal of emotional turmoil, however, being able to file no-fault simplifies the process slightly. Till next time, Elisa
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 I know it's cliche, but sometimes the best things come out of adversity and that is true even with divorce. When I was going through my own divorce eight years ago, I was in such a state that I couldn't see beyond the pain and confusion that I was living through. During this time, I felt alone and as if this experience was unique only to me. As time went by and I started to transition to my new life, those feelings, fears and anxiety began to pass and I began to thrive. It was then that I was able to gain clarity that the difficulty in going through divorce is universal and my experience was not unique. I saw that these difficulties could be broken down to a handful of factors, and with awareness, self kindness, and compassionate support, moving from surviving to thriving is possible. 1. Change in Daily Routines When you are used to spending time or having another person around, in spite of the fact that you might not be getting along or even find yourself in a very dysfunctional situation, it is still something you are accustomed to, defines your life and around which you have built routines. That person and your way of interacting is still a part of your world and the way you operate. This includes individual and shared responsibilities. Removing that person from the equation and even the prospect of this, disrupts and changes the landscape of how you're living on a daily basis, and for us as humans, any change is stressful and anxiety provoking. 2. Upends The Life You Know Your divorce has many life-changing implications, including the possibility and probability of having to change residences, added financial responsibilities, changes in how and when you are with your children, social and friendship shifts, and even a change in your identity as a married person to a non-married/single person. 3. Emotional Turmoil As your physical world is upended, it is only natural to experience great emotional turmoil. Nothing is what it was and there is no definitive blueprint as of yet for what will be going forward. As a result, this change shifts your life from predictable and safe to uncertain and dangerous. It is virtually impossible not to feel a sense of overwhelm, great sadness and tremendous anxiety as so many emotions are ignited all at once - many of which you've never felt with such intensity, all at the same time. 4. Divorce Is Like a Drawn Out Death In many ways, divorce is very much like a death - the ending of a relationship, the ending of an intact family unit, the loss of dreams and expectations that you once had, and the prospect of a new future that is unknown. However, in the case of dissolving a marriage, it can and often is drawn out because of the legal system, the courts and the inevitable negotiations that are part of the process. As one painful event is dealt with and put to rest, another arises, which can bring pain and a sense of being stuck in the event, rather than on the road to healing and moving forward. 5. Single and Co-Parenting The impact of of this single issue is enough to cause great anxiety and even depression because of the many issues that arise when breaking up the family unit. As parents, we do our best to insure that our children are safe and well cared for in every way. In the midst of divorcing, not only is there guilt for how our decision is and will affect our children, but there is also the practical realities of having to go on each day tending to their needs, in spite of our own personal pain and challenges. Add to this, the legal requirements of visitation, the upending our children's lives, routines and the need to co-parent and make decisions in the midst of contentious, hurt, angry and sad feelings. Being overwhelmed is truly an understatement. 6. Legal and Business Realities From a practical standpoint, divorce now forces you to have to deal with many legal and business issues all at once. Some of these may be new to you. The divorce process is like learning a whole new language and experiencing a whole new culture when it comes to the rules, requirements, the court system, the laws and crafting a divorce agreement with your attorney, which will impact your foreseeable future. 7. Adversarial Interactions Finally, divorce and the stress of the previous six factors can bring out the worst in people, namely your soon-to-be ex-spouse and possibly even yourself. While you might have been fighting or disagreeing or having a difficult time while married, moving into the divorce now solidifies the fact that you may truly be adversaries, each out for their own interests. This can be quite traumatizing going from a mindset of being a couple to now being two individuals at odds with attorneys, professionals, a court of law and judges in the mix. It can be quite isolating and lonely, causing feelings of victimization and lack. Additionally, if you are dealing with a future ex who tends to be more domineering or bullying, this can cause more stress to your self esteem or discomfort having to muster strength to fight for yourself and for that which you deserve and are entitled. The solution for moving through all of these challenges, starts with understanding that these feelings are pretty universal during divorce and you will get through it all by taking one step at a time. Till next time, Elisa   While divorce is never easy, there are simple steps you can take to help you thrive through the process. These include self care practices as well as practical measures, which will increase your sense of empowerment and protect your interests.
1. Mindfulness & Deep Breathing As humans, our stress response is turned on when we feel in danger. With divorce, our world is turned upside down signaling our fight or flight response to engage. While this is a protective biological reaction, it is not good to be in a sustained state of stress, since it impairs our better judgement and can ultimately cause illness and disease. The best thing you can do when dealing with the myriad of stressful divorce triggers is to learn to engage in mindfulness practices and deep breathing. Simply stop throughout your day whether you are stressed or not, sit comfortably, close your eyes, focus on your breathing and bring your awareness to what you're doing, thinking, and sensing. Take deep, oxygen filled breaths and release in a rhythmic fashion. The more you do this throughout your day, each day, the more you will crave it and the more you will be able to control your stress response. 2. Focus on the Now The divorce process can cause a great deal of overwhelm, causing you to get ahead of yourself by worrying about "what ifs". Staying focused on the present and the immediate task at hand will be beneficial to reducing stress while making progress towards your end goals. 3. Practice Self Love Divorce does not mean you are a failure. Life is full of changes and ups and down. Although divorce is life changing, painful and stressful., it is just one of these experiences. The key is to treat yourself with kindness and patience, as living in a mindset of love will raise your energy vibration and attract to you, the things you want most. 4. Get a Handle on Your Finances and Assets Since divorce means that you will be separating your finances and diving assets, starting it sooner rather than later may help avoid conflict and other issues down the road. It may be helpful to consult with your accountant and if you do not have one, this is a great time to build a relationship with one. Their expertise can assist you to take inventory of shared bank accounts, significant joint assets, all of which you will need if it is necessary to complete a statement of net worth. Other important issues such as tax implications will be valuable for your divorce attorney when negotiating and crafting your divorce agreement and even help you to put together a budget for daily living. 5. Figure Out Your Monthly Living Expenses Focus on what your living expenses will be as you transition to non-married life. Engage with your accountant, if necessary to help you put together a realistic budget and helpful spreadsheets for keeping track of your expenditures. Getting a sense of your budget will bring clarity about your needs so you can communicate them with your attorney who can advocate for the best possible financial divorce outcome. 6. Get Your Own Credit Card Since you will be separating all financial ties with your ex-spouse, you may need to cancel joint credit cards or talk about what to do if you mutually decide to keep one or more of them active for some time. If you don't have a credit card with your name as the primary account holder, now is the time that you will want to open an account for yourself and build credit under your name. 7. Change Your Power of Attorney You may want to consider a living will and a power of attorney (POA), which is something that most people are not thinking about during this stressful time. Unlike your will, which provides guidance for after you die, a living will and POA are only valid while you're alive. You may want to assign someone that is not your soon-to-be ex-spouse in the event you become incapacitated. 8. Build/Maintain Good Credit Working with a credit specialist to check your credit score and then creating a plan to build and maintain a good credit score for yourself will make it easier to do things like buying a new home or even applying for rent. - Elisa  (credit: Vecteezy) One of the most important things I've learned from my own divorce experience and working with others going through divorce is just how important it is to have a competent team of professionals in your corner for the best possible legal and business advice. This ensures that no stone goes unturned in any area of your life affected by your divorce, and that your future is well protected.
Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that not consulting with area experts can negatively effect the way in which a divorce agreement is written and its impact on post-divorce life - namely, your finances. Let's take a look at the seven members of a good "Divorce Dream Team" and why each professional is so important. Life Direction Support - Team Member 1: Divorce Coach Divorce coaching is becoming more popular as people and their attorneys recognize the value of having someone on the team who can support, educate and guide overwhelmed and fearful individuals going divorce. In addition to assisting with the emotional upheaval and helping with the life transition process, a divorce coach also provides a broad-based overview education about the legalities of the process, thereby priming individuals for the challenges ahead. Managing expectations and getting clarity about future goals is a big part of streamlining the divorce process that can minimize victim mentality and a "lack" mindset, which can prolong the divorce process resulting in spending more money than is necessary on attorney's fees. Additionally, a good divorce coach will serve as the hub for their client in accessing other divorce team professionals for casting a wide net of protection. Good Legal Representation - Team Member 2: Divorce Attorney A good attorney is at the center of your divorce. This means someone who specializes and practices divorce & family law. (Not your friend who is a general practitioner or your brother-in-law who practices real estate law.) At its core, your divorce and the separation agreement you will sign-minus the emotional upheaval and physical changes brought with the break up of any marriage - is a legally binding contract. Your lawyer is your representative and "voice" with the court and your spouse's attorney, to advocate for your best interest based on his or her expertise of the laws and the courts. Hence why it is so important to have competent representation. Depending on your attitude and that of your attorney’s will generally determine how much your divorce will cost. Working with a professional who is first and foremost your advocate and represents your interest is key. However, one that is fair minded will also help you to have clarity about the realities of the law and that in the end, finalizing terms of the divorce will require some compromise. Be very wary of “sharks” and those who over promise and fuel your emotions. In the end this can cost you a great deal of time and money. Clarity About Your Current Financial Status - Team Member 3: Accountant/Tax Expert Finances are one of the cornerstone issues in divorce. Splitting of assets, alimony, child support and budgeting for a new life are some of the realities that comprise post-divorce life. Therefore, clarity about your current finances, your (potential) future financial status and expenses, tax implications, as well as a plan for successfully managing your money day to day is imperative. You will also need to fill out a net worth statement in most states, which is one of the first steps in the process. An accountant will be worth his or her weight in gold as they will see things in a way that you and even your attorney will not, especially in the area of tax. Not to mention, give you guidance in how to weed through all of those files and documents, streamlining them for the purposes of your divorce. Many people are under the impression that they need an accountant that has a CPA designation, which is not true. Management accountants are just as competent and in some cases more adept at working in the area of tax. This input is invaluable to making sound financial decisions now that you will have to live with for a long time. In some cases, a Forensic Accountant may be necessary to help with expert analysis of high-asset or high-net-worth individuals, business valuations, complex property division cases, and/or hidden assets. Insuring Yourself - Team Member 4: Insurance Expert The break up any marriage will make it necessary to make changes to the various insurance policies. More than likely each party will need to secure their own respective policies in the following areas: Auto, Health, Homeowners/Renters and Life. Not to mention that most divorce agreements, especially if children are involved, will require each spouse to secure life insurance. Depending on one's health and circumstances, it is wise to begin this process early on to avoid delays in getting necessary approvals from the insurance company(s). Investments & Future Financial Wellness - Team Member #5: Financial Advisor With divorce comes a brand new future, some of which may be uncertain. Current investments, IRA’s, pensions, college funds, and other long-term assets will certainly be part of the divorce negotiations. It is important to have a clear sense of your current assets and holdings and how to best protect and grow them post-divorce. A financial advisor will provide expert insight for the short and long-term when it comes to dividing property, analyzing pension and retirement plans and helping to create a realistic budget and future spending plan for peace of mind about your long-term financial security. Residential Considerations - Team Member # 6: Real Estate Broker It is inevitable that with divorce, someone will have to move. Whether it is temporary or long-term, residence considerations can be stressful, overwhelming and potentially costly. Knowing all options when it comes to where to live. If you need to move and find a new home, your criteria for a residence may be different with your pending divorce than in the past. A knowledgeable and experienced real estate broker can help you navigate the daunting process of selling your home and searching for a new one. This includes assisting you to figure out what your options are and familiarizing you with pricing so you can incorporate this into your budget and future plan. They will also do a great deal of the leg work and hold your hand through each step of the process of both selling and purchasing. Mortgage & Refinancing Team Member #7: Mortgage Broker Depending on your unique situation, a mortgage broker will provide the knowledge necessary to tackle the needed steps in homeownership and your options for paying for it. With their expertise, you will be able to better determine the best options for refinancing if you are buying out your soon-to-be ex-spouse, or secure a new mortgage if you are relocating. Mortgage brokers can also assist with questions regarding your credit rating and suggest ways to build your credit if it's low. These professionals make up the core team of experts that should be consulted, preferably in the early stages of divorce consideration. All of the above-mentioned non-legal experts do not charge for initial consultations and some of them do not even charge for their services, as their commission is not paid by you. Knowing the value of each of these professionals and making the time investment to meet with them at the beginning of your divorce process will ensure the best outcome for your separation agreement and your post-divorce life. Till next time, Elisa  (Getty Images) The new year is a time for new beginnings. It's a fresh start to do all the things we either started the previous year and didn't finish or to embark on new and exciting journeys.
If you think of life as a giant train ride, before you can buy a ticket, it is necessary to first know where you are going. If you were to just board any train, going anywhere, you would be putting your destination fate in someone else's hands. In life, your train ride destination is akin to your goal. Where is it that you want to go? What is the end result you are wanting to achieve? When do you want to achieve this desired outcome? If you want to transform your life into the vision you have for yourself, it is imperative to get clear about what your goal or "final destination" is so you can put the right action steps into place to "get there". A year from now, you will be amazed at how far you have "traveled"! Here are 7 reasons why setting your goals should be priority number one this month: 1. Goals Provide Direction The freshness of the new year brings with it, the belief that anything is possible. Almost a second chance to make up for anything not achieved in the previous year. Defining your end destination at the beginning of the year provides great direction in charting the right course for the necessary action steps for moving forward on this new year journey. 2. Goals Are Motivating Coming off the downtime of the holidays, setting your goals is a great way to jump-start an energized mindset. Mapping out a blueprint for what you want to accomplish and achieve during the next year gets the creative juices flowing as you begin to visualize what you want your life (personal, professional or health-wise) to look like in the months ahead. 3. Goals Create Focus When your goals are well defined at the start of the year, the chances of getting sidetracked or derailed in the coming months is greatly reduced. It's like putting blinders on or looking through a telescope - you only see the end result, rather than the shiny objects along the way. In this manner, you can more easily stay on track and less likely to procrastinate or slow up. 4. Goals are Measurable Since we as humans think in linear terms, using January as the starting point enables a sense of measurability and progress from month to month and quarter to quarter. Looking back from a future point to the beginning of the year allows you to take inventory of the progress you've made and examine the challenges that arose to that point so you can pivot as is necessary to continue towards your end destination. 5. Goals Sustain Momentum Think about when you are driving on the highway with your GPS locked into your destination. Somehow, the farther you go, the greater the momentum as your final end point becomes more real. With your eye on your target or goal at the start of the new year, the easier it is to sustain your momentum. 6. Goals Enable Accountability One of the surest ways to stay stagnant in life is to let fate control you rather than you control fate. When your goals are clear, creating action steps with deadlines is possible. Knowing what you need to do and when enables greater accountability since accomplishing these tasks is part of a well defined plan to reaching your end result. 7. Goals Increase Confidence With the enthusiasm that is felt at the start of a new year, there can also be a sense of regret or disappointment about that which was not accomplished with yet another year going by. With new goals and target achievements, a renewed sense of possibility is ignited. You begin to visualize the end result more vividly with more confidence about your goals becoming a reality in your life. -Elisa  Whenever there is a major life change, negative emotions come with it. These can include uncertainty, stress, anxiety, helplessness and fear...just to name a few.
Divorce Can Set Off Our Stress Response In the case of divorce, an individual's well-being is not only impacted significantly in an emotional way, but it will have lasting effects on their physical existence. When so much is turned upside down, it's no wonder fear is set off. What Happens Biologically When You Are Afraid? “Fear is our survival response,” says Northwestern Medicine Clinical Psychologist Zachary Sikora, PsyD. What's more, "although fear is experienced in your mind, it triggers a strong physical reaction in your body." This is not a case of mind over matter. "Fear reaction starts in the brain and spreads through the body to make adjustments for the best defense, or flight reaction," according to Arash Javanbakht and Linda Saab. First, the amygdala (small organ in the middle of your brain) is stimulated and alerts your nervous system, which sets your body’s fear response into motion. Next, stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline are released. Then, your blood pressure and heart rate increase. The results include breathing faster, changes in blood flow begin whereby blood actually flows away from your heart and into your limbs, preparing for fight-or-flight. Almost everything about the divorce process can be sensed as danger, thereby setting off this biological response. How Does Fear Affect Rational Thinking? According to Louise Delagran, MA, MEd of the University of Minnesota, "Fear can interrupt processes in our brains that allow us to regulate emotions, read non-verbal cues and other information presented to us, reflect before acting, and act ethically." She goes on to say, "this impacts our thinking and decision-making in negative ways, leaving us susceptible to intense emotions and impulsive reactions." If you have gone through divorce or are in the business of working with divorcing individuals, you can attest to what I lovingly refer to as "losing IQ points." It's not that they are not smart, reasonable and even educated, but that fear is most prevalent and causing physical reactions that impact the cognitive functions. What Is Fear's Affect on Decision Making? To put it in simple terms, especially in light of divorce, fear causes a sort of rational shut down and a sort of regression as a result of three overarching reactions. 1. Self Focused Whenever we are in the fight or flight mode, which is activated when we sense danger, "we get very self-focused because we are in “protection mode,"" according to Missouri Partners in Prevention. This is our way of keeping ourselves safe. As a result, it is very difficult to be focused on anything else outside our own survival. This is one of the reasons that people going through divorce are unable to understand a different point of view or seem unreasonable, as they are hyper-focused on themselves. 2. Sense of Lack When we experience fear, our perception shifts to a sense of lack or scarcity. It feels as if there is not "enough" which sparks the belief that it is necessary to fight for what we need. In the case of divorce, this "not enough" view can make it difficult to see the bigger picture and often the true reality. 3. Wants Become Needs In a rational, calm state, discriminating between wants and needs is easy. However, feeling afraid can blur the lines between the two because our fear reaction activates the part of our brain that dominated our thinking in childhood. This is the reason that so many individuals going through divorce act and react in a very immature manner, even to the point of throwing "tantrums" uncharacteristic of their otherwise normal behavior. How Do You Work With The Fear? First and foremost, it is important for those professionals working with divorcing individuals to understand the biological reactions that are happening with their clients. In this way, there is a greater possibility of "reaching" or getting through to your client with the facts to make decisions that are in their best interest and to facilitate a quick and non-contentious divorce. If you yourself are going through divorce, you can comfort yourself with the fact that your fears are real to you and that with some slowing down and quiet reflection, you can turn that fear into empowered, well thought out decisions and action steps for ensuring the best possible post-divorce life. Define The Fears Releasing fear is first about recognizing what the underlying reason(s) for feeling afraid. This is why a therapist or divorce coach is so imperative because as an objective support system, they can gently guide individuals to consciously identify exactly what is setting off the fear. Defining fears leads to demystifying them and opens a path out of fight or flight mode. In this way, it becomes possible to think more clearly and make better decisions. Feel The Pain Once the fears have been identified, an individual will often feel some pain, specifically as it relates to the loss of the marriage, the family unit, the life they know and so much more. However, it can be quite healing and free up lots of psychic energy, which allows for better identification of the new challenges that come with divorce and creating action steps to constructing a new life. -Elisa  If someone would have said to me at any time during the two years of my divorce, "Hey Elisa, you should practice gratitude - it will really have a positive impact on your life," I probably would have unleashed a mouthful of superlatives that would have blown their hair back.
While I was dealing daily with the nefarious bullying of my ex-husband, along with the fear, overwhelm and frustration of my post-divorce life, gratitude was the furthest thing from my mind. In fact, it took some time to realize how my life could have vastly improved during my divorce had I truly understood the scientific benefits of gratitude. So, at the risk of incurring your wrath, I'm going to tell you 6 reasons why you can and should incorporate gratitude practice into your daily life, no matter which stage of divorce you may be at. 1. Gratitude Improves Overall Health Research has shown that gratitude can improve general well-being, increase resilience, strengthen social relationships, and reduce stress and depression. In fact, it shows that just 15 minutes a day can enhance mental wellness. 2. Gratitude Changes Your Perspective When we change our perspective it can help us manage the stress of divorce and even avoid escalating situations that normally would trigger us. We turn our focus from all that is challenging and bad to that which is good. 3. Gratitude Brings The Future To Your Present When we’re grateful it’s usually for something we already have - meaning it’s already in our present reality. Logically speaking, if we feel grateful for that which we want as if it's already here, we are propelling ourselves into the future feeling we would have if we were already experiencing that reality. Such feelings resonate in our body and tell our brain that we are already there, because according to Dr. David R. Hamilton, "our brains can’t tell the difference between reality and our thoughts." In one study of two groups of individuals, one was asked one to play a specific set of keys on the piano while the other was told to imagine playing a set of keys. Under both circumstances, while being scanned, brain activity significantly increased in brain regions corresponding to motor movement of the hand. For those going through divorce, gratitude enables you to psychically begin living the life you want by being grateful for it as if it is already here. 4. Gratitude Raises Your Vibrational Frequency It is only in the very recent past that people are becoming aware of the importance of energy and the term "high vibration.". Everything in our world is made of energy and has a frequency. This includes objects, our bodies, thoughts and feelings. The faster something vibrates, the higher the frequency. Higher vibrational frequencies are associated with emotions that include joy, love, compassion, and gratitude, as opposed to lower vibrating emotions of fear anger and lack. When you practice gratitude, your vibrational frequency is being raised. Higher frequencies are also known to enable good health and happiness. So, for those going through divorce and feeling sad, fearful or in a state of lack, it is possible to train your mind and body to move into feelings of happiness and joy, by practicing gratitude. 5. Gratitude Changes Your Neural Pathways "Remember that behavior changes biology," according to the Mayo Clinic Health System. "Positive gestures benefit you by releasing oxytocin, a hormone that helps connect people. Some people call it the love hormone." Practicing gratitude also releases serotonin and dopamine, two “feel good” chemicals that positively impact mood, motivation, and willpower - as a result this can strengthen these neural pathways. The result is that over time, a conscious effort to practice gratitude can train the brain to focus on what’s going well as opposed to what’s going wrong. 6. Gratitude Attracts What You Want The Law of Attraction, in its simplest form says "like attracts like." Dr. Joe Dispenza teaches that we have the power to influence our reality by consciously directing our thoughts and emotions by "giving thanks for the things that you don't have yet." He asserts that "gratitude is the ultimate state of receivership." We have been trained to think that we should be grateful after we receive something and this puts us in a state of mind of always waiting and wanting. When we act as if and feel as if we have what we already want, the universe aligns with that feeling. And the law of attraction kicks in to literally bring us that for which we are grateful. This is the ultimate way of manifesting the life you want, and deserve post-divorce! - Elisa  Getty Images/Stockphoto There is no question that divorce is a costly proposition with much truth to the statement that the only ones who get rich during divorce are the attorneys. Legal fees are one of the harsh realities of the divorce process. According to Contractscounsel.com, "Divorce costs in the United States can vary widely, with most people spending anywhere from $15,000 to $20,000 and a minimum cost of around $7,000." That is a lot of money to most people. Emotional Upheaval Makes It Hard to Think Clearly Unfortunately, the trauma of divorce wreaks havoc on daily life, and its emotional upheaval makes it difficult to almost impossible to think clearly about how one's actions might impact billable hours and increase their legal expenses. It is imperative, in spite of all that is being thrown at you, to stay focused on how to keep your legal fees at a minimum. Why would you want to spend more money than is necessary? For those monied spouses who are responsible for paying both parties' legal bills, you have twice as much to lose. 5 Common Mistakes From my own personal divorce experience and from what I have seen with many of my clients, here are five common mistakes that can unnecessarily drive your legal bills through the roof and solutions to avert them. 1. Using Your Lawyer As a Therapist Wow, I cannot tell you how many times I've seen this one play out. I fell victim to this during my own divorce. Most divorce attorneys will attest to the amount of time they spend talking to their clients about non-legal issues because they are so overwhelmed, angry or frustrated and don't know where to turn. With hourly rates being what they are in the divorce world, it is just not cost-effective to talk to your lawyer about every argument or disagreement with your soon-to-be ex-spouse. According to TheExit.com, the national average for divorce lawyer rates is $270 an hour, with New York at $400 an hour. I can tell you unequivocally, that this is far lower than reality. From my experience working with many lawyers in the New York-Metro area, average divorce hourly rates can range from $400 on the very low side to well over $700 and hour. Solution: Having the right professional to listen, provide perspective and help you work through your feelings and experiences productively is a far better investment than spending hours talking to your attorney. The right therapist or divorce coach can also assist with making the distinction between which issues are strictly emotional and those that need to be addressed with your attorney. Not only will you save on legal fees, but you will be working on your own empowerment and building a plan for a happy, fulfilling future. 2. Not Understanding Billing Practices Hourly billing is a common way lawyers charge for their services. Unfortunately, most people going through divorce do not ask enough questions or listen closely when lawyers explain the details of their billing structure. For example, most lawyers take a retainer - most commonly between $5000 and $10,000 - and then their "billable rate" will go against or be deducted from this retainer. At $500 an hour, that retainer can go pretty quickly. Your lawyer tracks all time spent on your case, which includes meetings with you, phone calls, reading and responding to email correspondence with you and the opposing counsel, research, preparing legal documents, court appearances, and any other tasks related to your divorce. If you have other professionals such as an accountant, that need to speak with your attorney, you will get billed for this time as well. Solution: Make sure you understand all billing practices for your lawyer's firm including their "increment billing" practices (how they break down the hour) so you can stay in control and avoid any surprises with legal fees being incurred. 3. Not Building Your Own Divorce Dream Team It is important to take a forty-thousand foot view of the specific areas of your life that will be affected by your marriage break-up and how to best address each of them. Your attorney knows the law, the legal system and what rights you have. However, they are not experts in every area that will make up your divorce agreement. All too often, individuals rely on their attorney to know the nuances of accounting, tax, financial planning, credit and other specific disciplines. You may be spending more money discussing these issues with your attorney or having your attorney argue with opposing counsel, rather than utilizing the expertise of professionals who can save you time and assist your attorney. Solution: Build a team of trusted professionals in key non-legal areas who can provide the right advice for negotiating the best possible divorce agreement terms for your future. These professionals not only charge less than your attorney, but some don't charge any fees at all, saving you legal bills and even enhancing your lawyer's ability to advocate for you in less time. A divorce coach can serve as the hub for clarity about the process and provide additional professional referrals. 4. Not Being Organized During divorce, you will have to access lots of information, records, and documents. Prior to my divorce, I really had no idea what I was going to have to provide and everything my lawyer requested was a new adventure in trying to pull things together. If you provide your lawyer with a big box of papers, receipts and financial records, it is pretty obvious that they will have to spend many billable hours sorting through everything and talking to you to fully understand it all. This can add thousands of dollars to your bill. Solution: The more organized you can be with your documents prior to even going for a consultation, the more economical it will be for you. I suggest meeting with your accountant or finding one who can direct you with what you need to put together. This will enable you to move forward with a better understanding of where you stand, as well as result in a more productive attorney consultation since you will be providing everything needed to advocate on your behalf. 5. Inability to Agree This may seem like a ridiculous point to put in here. You are probably thinking, "if we could agree, we wouldn't be getting divorced." However, what most people do not understand is that if you have decided to proceed with divorce, then the more you continue to disagree on how to finalize the terms, the more it will cost. Sadly, the biggest issue in delaying divorce and spending way too much money is the inability for one or both parties to be reasonable and give up being argumentative. I'm in no way saying this is easy. With emotions running high and a desire to "win", it's easy to get stuck in a cycle of arguing and feeling victimized. The result is unending back and forth between attorneys, additional court dates and yes, higher legal bills. Solution: Here is where working with a professional therapist or a divorce coach is your best bet for gaining clarity over the situation to facilitate perspective. If your soon-to-be ex-spouse is being difficult, you will be able to keep your eye on your new life goals and minimize being triggered to continually engage in the back and forth pattern that only serves to drive up billable hours. This is a key component for a quick resolution and minimizing your legal expenses. - Elisa  If you are like me, you probably feel so overwhelmed by the divorce process - the legalities, the amount of time everything takes, disempowerment about what you expected versus what is the reality, and perhaps blown away by the cost. Not to mention all the emotions you are feeling - pain, hurt, anger, rage, fear sadness and guilt. And, although you may be an intelligent, self-starter, highly functional, and self-responsible individual in all areas of your life, divorce is one of those life experiences that can result in sudden self beliefs and behavior that is out of character for you. This includes falling into the "victim mentality" mindset. What is Victim Mentality? "At its core, a victim mindset is rooted in trauma, distress, and pain most of the time. When you experience a traumatic situation, typically at the hands of other people, you may learn that you are helpless and that nothing you do in the future is going to make any difference" according to psychologist and author, Arlin Cuncic, MA. Clearly with divorce, there is trauma by the very nature of breaking up a marriage and in most cases, an entire of family. The ways this life change impacts a person are numerous and unique to each situation, but commonly include new physical and financial demands, co-parenting stress and change in residence. These are justifiable reasons to feel a sense of being victimized. Feeling Like a Victim During Divorce is Normal Feeling hit from every angle, not getting what you want or expect is usually what causes this victimized feeling. Learning the reality of things like spousal support, child support, visitation, asset division, coupled with experienced advice from your lawyer and decisions rendered by a judge can be shocking, angering and leave you feeling defeated and out of control. In some cases this is further aggravated by having experienced infidelity, or even the hateful and purposeful vitriol of a narcissistic ex-spouse. What Characterizes A Victim Mentality? At its core, victim mentality is a mindset of learned helplessness. In the case of divorce, this is usually a feeling brought by this event and is not necessarily a personality trait. Nonetheless, it can overpower you with feeling out of control and unable to see the light at the end of the divorce tunnel. Some of the characteristics of victim mentality include:
Not Letting "Victim Mentality" Overtake and Define You While common during divorce, if left unrecognized or unaddressed, "victim mentality" mindset, can be self-defeating and detrimental to your sense of empowerment and well-being long-term. Sometimes circumstances just suck and you don't have the control you want. This does not mean that you should allow yourself to stay stuck in the internal belief that you are helpless. Instead, embracing the view that you are the architect of your life is key. A prolonged victim mentality causes you to lose perspective that you DO have control of the way you react to circumstances and an ability to create a path for the future life you want. How to Overcome A Victim Mindset? There are ways to take control of your divorce and regain normalcy. 1. Acknowledge the Feelings Validating your frustration, sadness and disappointment is a first step to healing feeling like a victim. 2. Self-Care With the right self-care and compassion, you can move through this. According to Arlin Cuncic, MA, "victim mentalities are subconsciously adopted as a way to cope, often from past trauma. Be compassionate to yourself in your recovery. Practice self-care and self-love. " 3. Knowledge is Power Empowering yourself early on in the process with basic divorce law norms and outcomes will lessen your shock and allow you to deal more pro-actively with what otherwise would have blindsided you and caused feelings of victimization. 4. Utilize Professional Experts Build a team of professionals in key disciplines such as divorce coaching, accounting, tax, insurance, financial planning, credit and loan. Many of these experts do not charge for consultations and it will enable you to have a 40,000 foot view of your unique situation and how to best approach your settlement agreement and future life plan. 5. Set Your Goals Having clearly defined goals for your post-divorce life allows you to keep blinders on to avoid getting sidetracked and triggered when things don't go the way you want or expect. In this way you are being the architect of your life. 6. Emotional Support Engage in practices that will support an empowered state of mind such as mindfulness, meditation, therapy or coaching, journaling and self help books. Love & Light - Elisa  Getty images/Stockphoto When emotions run high during divorce, simple conversations can digress into highly contentious fights.
Can you relate to this if you have gone through or witnessed someone going through divorce? You may be talking about how the lawn needs mowing and the next thing you know, you are screaming about how HE bought his girlfriend a new car. This happens when you are filled with anger, rage, hurt, fear and overall sadness. Your emotions just escalate and are ready, at any moment, to explode. The Everest Syndrome I call this phenomenon "The Everest Syndrome" - you shoot right up Mount Everest in a nano second and all bets are off for any positive outcome. There is no room for healthy conversation or collaborate communication to create productive solutions. Everyone feels worse as a result, and it keeps you in a negative cycle. This not only wears on your self esteem, but also negatively impacts your emotional and physical well being. Getting Perspective Can Help Most people might view this as a self control problem. But in reality, it’s not. It’s really about not being grounded and having perspective. During divorce, the only way to have true perspective is to be focused on your priorities and end goals. Ever notice how when you are driving and following your GPS, you don’t really notice much along the way? You are so laser focused on following the directions to get to your end point destination that you couldn't recount much of what you passed during the drive. Stay Focused On Your End Goal This dynamic of having virtual blinders on is true for any challenging experience in life. In the case of divorce, where it is so easy to get derailed and fall into the trap of repeating the same old conversations and arguments, it’s imperative to know and stay focused on what your end goals are if you are to avoid "Everesting" when talking to your soon-to-be ex-spouse. Perspective is achieved when you are aware and in touch with the desired outcomes and goals you most want for your life post divorce. Defining your goals ("destination") involves knowing your priorities and having them in focus at all times. Questions to Help You Define Your Goals Ask yourself the following general questions:
Digging deeper and answer these questions:
Perspective is a Process With these self-focused desired outcomes top of mind, you will be more apt to keep blinders on and not getting derailed as easily when emotions run high during interactions with your soon-to-be Ex. You will gain more perspective, enabling you to step back, fall into a grounded state thereby reducing the the fever pitch feelings that might otherwise be right below the surface. You will start to view that which is not vital to getting to your end goals as a waste of time, and not be as primed to take the bate when disagreements arise. Over time, this will lessen the chances of discussions digressing into unproductive debates and screaming matches. As a Divorce Coach, I've seen what goal setting can do to maintain a laser focus on the big picture and minimize unproductive outbursts that only serve to waste time, lower one's vibration and increase legal bills. But remember, Rome wasn't built in a day. Like anything else in the face of difficult life changes, getting centered is a process. Saying your goals out loud and visualizing the desired outcomes daily as if they already exist will reinforce their importance for when you are faced with a potential Everest moment. - Elisa |
ELISA
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Elisa Valentino
HOLISTIC BEHAVIORAL PRACTITIONER DIVORCE & LIFE TRANSITION COACH SPIRITUAL LIGHTWORKER PUBLIC SPEAKER PODCAST HOST |
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