What is "The Everest Syndrome" and How to Prevent It

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When emotions run high during divorce, simple conversations can digress into highly contentious fights.

Can you relate to this if you have gone through or witnessed someone going through divorce?

You may be talking about how the lawn needs mowing and the next thing you know, you are screaming about how HE bought his girlfriend a new car. This happens when you are filled with anger, rage, hurt, fear and overall sadness. Your emotions just escalate and are ready, at any moment, to explode. 

The Everest Syndrome

I call this phenomenon "The Everest Syndrome" - you shoot right up Mount Everest in a nano second and all bets are off for any positive outcome.

There is no room for healthy conversation or collaborate communication to create productive solutions. Everyone feels worse as a result, and it keeps you in a negative cycle. This not only wears on your self esteem, but also negatively impacts your emotional and physical well being.

Getting Perspective Can Help

Most people might view this as a self control problem. But in reality, it’s not.  It’s really about not being grounded and having perspective.

During divorce, the only way to have true perspective is to be focused on your priorities and end goals. 

Ever notice how when you are driving and following your GPS, you don’t really notice much along the way?  You are so laser focused on following the directions to get to your end point destination that you couldn't recount much of what you passed during the drive.

Stay Focused On Your End Goal

This dynamic of having virtual blinders on is true for any challenging experience in life.

In the case of divorce, where it is so easy to get derailed and fall into the trap of repeating the same old conversations and arguments, it’s imperative to know and stay focused on what your end goals are if you are to avoid "Everesting" when talking to your soon-to-be ex-spouse.

Perspective is achieved when you are aware and in touch with the desired outcomes and goals you most want for your life post divorce. Defining your goals ("destination") involves knowing your priorities and having them in focus at all times. 

Questions to Help You Define Your Goals

Ask yourself the following general questions:

• What is my end destination after divorce?
• What is my vision for my life?
• What happy things will characterize my new life?

Digging deeper and answer these questions:

• What is my vision for myself as a single person?
• What does my relationship with my children look like post-divorce?
• What is my desired living situation?
• How does my career/work life look or evolve into?
• What hobbies and interests will fill my free time?
• What kind of social life will I have with friends and family?
• What will I embrace as new daily routines?
• What is the path and action steps that will get me there?

Perspective is a Process

With these self-focused desired outcomes top of mind, you will be more apt to keep blinders on and not getting derailed as easily when emotions run high during interactions with your soon-to-be Ex.

You will gain more perspective, enabling you to step back, fall into a grounded state thereby reducing the the fever pitch feelings that might otherwise be right below the surface.   

You will start to view that which is not vital to getting to your end goals as a waste of time, and not be as primed to take the bate when disagreements arise. Over time, this will lessen the chances of discussions digressing into unproductive debates and screaming matches.    

As a Divorce Coach, I've seen what goal setting can do to maintain a laser focus on the big picture and minimize unproductive outbursts that only serve to waste time, lower one's vibration and increase legal bills.  

But remember, Rome wasn't built in a day. Like anything else in the face of difficult life changes, getting centered is a process. Saying your goals out loud and visualizing the desired outcomes daily as if they already exist will reinforce their importance for when you are faced with a potential Everest moment. 

- Elisa