I know it's cliche, but sometimes the best things come out of adversity and that is true even with divorce. When I was going through my own divorce eight years ago, I was in such a state that I couldn't see beyond the pain and confusion that I was living through. During this time, I felt alone and as if this experience was unique only to me.
As time went by and I started to transition to my new life, those feelings, fears and anxiety began to pass and I began to thrive. It was then that I was able to gain clarity that the difficulty in going through divorce is universal and my experience was not unique. I saw that these difficulties could be broken down to a handful of factors, and with awareness, self kindness, and compassionate support, moving from surviving to thriving is possible. 1. Change in Daily Routines When you are used to spending time or having another person around, in spite of the fact that you might not be getting along or even find yourself in a very dysfunctional situation, it is still something you are accustomed to, defines your life and around which you have built routines. That person and your way of interacting is still a part of your world and the way you operate. This includes individual and shared responsibilities. Removing that person from the equation and even the prospect of this, disrupts and changes the landscape of how you're living on a daily basis, and for us as humans, any change is stressful and anxiety provoking. 2. Upends The Life You Know Your divorce has many life-changing implications, including the possibility and probability of having to change residences, added financial responsibilities, changes in how and when you are with your children, social and friendship shifts, and even a change in your identity as a married person to a non-married/single person. 3. Emotional Turmoil As your physical world is upended, it is only natural to experience great emotional turmoil. Nothing is what it was and there is no definitive blueprint as of yet for what will be going forward. As a result, this change shifts your life from predictable and safe to uncertain and dangerous. It is virtually impossible not to feel a sense of overwhelm, great sadness and tremendous anxiety as so many emotions are ignited all at once - many of which you've never felt with such intensity, all at the same time. 4. Divorce Is Like a Drawn Out Death In many ways, divorce is very much like a death - the ending of a relationship, the ending of an intact family unit, the loss of dreams and expectations that you once had, and the prospect of a new future that is unknown. However, in the case of dissolving a marriage, it can and often is drawn out because of the legal system, the courts and the inevitable negotiations that are part of the process. As one painful event is dealt with and put to rest, another arises, which can bring pain and a sense of being stuck in the event, rather than on the road to healing and moving forward. 5. Single and Co-Parenting The impact of of this single issue is enough to cause great anxiety and even depression because of the many issues that arise when breaking up the family unit. As parents, we do our best to insure that our children are safe and well cared for in every way. In the midst of divorcing, not only is there guilt for how our decision is and will affect our children, but there is also the practical realities of having to go on each day tending to their needs, in spite of our own personal pain and challenges. Add to this, the legal requirements of visitation, the upending our children's lives, routines and the need to co-parent and make decisions in the midst of contentious, hurt, angry and sad feelings. Being overwhelmed is truly an understatement. 6. Legal and Business Realities From a practical standpoint, divorce now forces you to have to deal with many legal and business issues all at once. Some of these may be new to you. The divorce process is like learning a whole new language and experiencing a whole new culture when it comes to the rules, requirements, the court system, the laws and crafting a divorce agreement with your attorney, which will impact your foreseeable future. 7. Adversarial Interactions Finally, divorce and the stress of the previous six factors can bring out the worst in people, namely your soon-to-be ex-spouse and possibly even yourself. While you might have been fighting or disagreeing or having a difficult time while married, moving into the divorce now solidifies the fact that you may truly be adversaries, each out for their own interests. This can be quite traumatizing going from a mindset of being a couple to now being two individuals at odds with attorneys, professionals, a court of law and judges in the mix. It can be quite isolating and lonely, causing feelings of victimization and lack. Additionally, if you are dealing with a future ex who tends to be more domineering or bullying, this can cause more stress to your self esteem or discomfort having to muster strength to fight for yourself and for that which you deserve and are entitled. The solution for moving through all of these challenges, starts with understanding that these feelings are pretty universal during divorce and you will get through it all by taking one step at a time. Till next time, Elisa
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While divorce is never easy, there are simple steps you can take to help you thrive through the process. These include self care practices as well as practical measures, which will increase your sense of empowerment and protect your interests.
1. Mindfulness & Deep Breathing As humans, our stress response is turned on when we feel in danger. With divorce, our world is turned upside down signaling our fight or flight response to engage. While this is a protective biological reaction, it is not good to be in a sustained state of stress, since it impairs our better judgement and can ultimately cause illness and disease. The best thing you can do when dealing with the myriad of stressful divorce triggers is to learn to engage in mindfulness practices and deep breathing. Simply stop throughout your day whether you are stressed or not, sit comfortably, close your eyes, focus on your breathing and bring your awareness to what you're doing, thinking, and sensing. Take deep, oxygen filled breaths and release in a rhythmic fashion. The more you do this throughout your day, each day, the more you will crave it and the more you will be able to control your stress response. 2. Focus on the Now The divorce process can cause a great deal of overwhelm, causing you to get ahead of yourself by worrying about "what ifs". Staying focused on the present and the immediate task at hand will be beneficial to reducing stress while making progress towards your end goals. 3. Practice Self Love Divorce does not mean you are a failure. Life is full of changes and ups and down. Although divorce is life changing, painful and stressful., it is just one of these experiences. The key is to treat yourself with kindness and patience, as living in a mindset of love will raise your energy vibration and attract to you, the things you want most. 4. Get a Handle on Your Finances and Assets Since divorce means that you will be separating your finances and diving assets, starting it sooner rather than later may help avoid conflict and other issues down the road. It may be helpful to consult with your accountant and if you do not have one, this is a great time to build a relationship with one. Their expertise can assist you to take inventory of shared bank accounts, significant joint assets, all of which you will need if it is necessary to complete a statement of net worth. Other important issues such as tax implications will be valuable for your divorce attorney when negotiating and crafting your divorce agreement and even help you to put together a budget for daily living. 5. Figure Out Your Monthly Living Expenses Focus on what your living expenses will be as you transition to non-married life. Engage with your accountant, if necessary to help you put together a realistic budget and helpful spreadsheets for keeping track of your expenditures. Getting a sense of your budget will bring clarity about your needs so you can communicate them with your attorney who can advocate for the best possible financial divorce outcome. 6. Get Your Own Credit Card Since you will be separating all financial ties with your ex-spouse, you may need to cancel joint credit cards or talk about what to do if you mutually decide to keep one or more of them active for some time. If you don't have a credit card with your name as the primary account holder, now is the time that you will want to open an account for yourself and build credit under your name. 7. Change Your Power of Attorney You may want to consider a living will and a power of attorney (POA), which is something that most people are not thinking about during this stressful time. Unlike your will, which provides guidance for after you die, a living will and POA are only valid while you're alive. You may want to assign someone that is not your soon-to-be ex-spouse in the event you become incapacitated. 8. Build/Maintain Good Credit Working with a credit specialist to check your credit score and then creating a plan to build and maintain a good credit score for yourself will make it easier to do things like buying a new home or even applying for rent. - Elisa |
ELISA
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Elisa Valentino
HOLISTIC BEHAVIORAL PRACTITIONER DIVORCE & LIFE TRANSITION COACH SPIRITUAL LIGHTWORKER PUBLIC SPEAKER PODCAST HOST |